


Ugly Sweaters.

by The_Magic_Rat



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-04
Updated: 2020-01-04
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:48:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,742
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22108876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Magic_Rat/pseuds/The_Magic_Rat
Summary: Holiday nonsense at the compound.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers
Kudos: 15





	Ugly Sweaters.

_**AVENGERS – Ugly Sweaters.** _

_**Author: The Magic Rat  
Rating: G  
Pairings: Steve/Bucky...if you squint.  
Warnings: Super heroes in ugly sweaters.  
Word Count: 1607** _

_**Website – Ex Libris: http://www.winter-wood.net/ex-libris/index.html  
Live Journal: http://delaese.livejournal.com/profile** _

_**Disclaimer: All Marvel Comics characters, places and situations are the property of Marvel World Wide Inc and are used without permission and without intent of plagiarism or profit. Copyright for all stories and original characters is with the author, and may not be published, copied, distributed or archived without the author's prior written consent.** _

_**Summary: Holiday nonsense at the compound.** _

_**Author’s notes: I have no idea where this idea came from.** _

_**I am currently accepting commissions! More info here - https://magicrat.deviantart.com/journal/Commissions-Open-702180083** _

_**Or here - https://delaese.livejournal.com/855429.html** _

~*~*~*~*~*~

Clint started it. 

He walked into the festively decorated common room of the Avenger’s compound, singing “Jingle Bells” and wearing a sweater so shockingly ugly that he had the immediate attention of all there. It was striped green and red, boasting a Christmas tree complete with garlands, tinsel, blinking lights, and overly-cute kittens peering out of the branches. A fatter-than-normal Santa was bent over so that all that could be seen were nude butt cheeks visible through a ripped pant seat, separated by a red thong and “HO! HO! HO!” written across them. Clint picked up a mug and began filling it with coffee.

Sam put his hand over Wanda’s eyes. Her jaw remained dropped, but she did nothing to move the hand. After a moment, it occurred to Clint that he was being stared at. He turned to look at his friends.

“What?” he asked, genuinely curious.

“What....are you wearing?” asked Natasha, the horror in her voice genuine.

“Oh you mean the sweater? My grandma gave it to me. Cute, huh?”

“No,” the Avengers intoned in unison.

Clint rolled his eyes. “You people have no holiday spirit. It’s adorable! Hey!” Clint called out as Steve and Bucky walked into the room. “You guys like my sweater, don’t you?”

Steve looked like he was seeing his own death approaching as he desperately thought of something gracious to say. Bucky just stared in overt horror, then his eyes rolled back in his head as he fell over backwards, landing with a thud. Clint was indignant.

“My grandma gave this to me!”

“Craft day at the home?” inquired Tony.

“Whose home?” asked Thor as he entered the room. Tony pointed, and unfortunately Thor looked in the direction indicated. The God of Thunder screamed. Clint set down his cup.

“I’m telling Grandma on you,” he said, and left.

“Well now we’re in it,” said Natasha dryly.

Steve helped Bucky to stand up. “What was he wearing?” Steve asked, still trying hard not to sound critical of the holiday horror Clint had been wearing.

“The ubiquitous Ugly Christmas Sweater,” said Sam. “They kinda became a thing while you two were on ice.”

“There are even ugly sweater competitions,” said Natasha. “You know, just for fun.”

Thor still looked like he’d been force-fed raw fish entrails. “I think Clint won.”

Wanda by now had closed her mouth and moved Sam’s hand. “We should do that!”

“No, we shouldn’t,” said Tony.

“You’re no fun,” said Wanda.

“I never was, why should you be surprised now?” said Tony. 

“Yeah why not?” said Sam. “It’s the holidays.”

“Because I’ll win,” said Tony. “Therefore a competition is moot.”

“Well he is the most tasteless person here,” said Natasha.

“Exactly,” said Tony.

“Now wait,” said Bucky. “I think that sort of attitude is exactly why we need a competition.”

“Yeah!” said Sam. “All of us, we find the ugliest sweaters we can, we have five days to do so, and on the sixth day, we wear them. Agreed?”

“AYE!”

“All opposed?”

“Do I have to?” whined Tony.

“It’s settled,” said Wanda. “The very first ever Avengers Ugly Christmas Sweater Competition has begun.”

“What prizes are we handing out?” said Natasha. “It’s no fun without prizes.”

“I’d like to win the chance to give Bucky a haircut,” said Sam.

“Oh I like his hair the way it is,” said Steve.

Wanda and Natasha made kissy-noises at them. Steve rolled his eyes, but grinned and accepted a kiss from Bucky. Clint returned to the room, still resplendent in his hideous sweater, realizing he had left without coffee. 

“You inspired us,” said Sam.

“Oh yeah?” said Clint, “to do what?”

“Have an ugly Christmas sweater contest,” said Wanda.

“And why would I want to participate, after you cruelly insulted my grandma’s gift?” said Clint.

“Tony says he’ll win,” said Bucky.

“I’m in,” said Clint.

~*~*~*~*~*~

The sixth day arrived, all too soon for some. Wanda had somehow managed to convince the Avengers to allow it to be recorded and released to the public, and voting would be done by viewers. The only problem was that meant Bucky had to be cut from the version that went on-line. The public could never know the Winter Soldier was living at the compound. 

That, however, had not stopped Bucky from throwing himself fully into the competition. 

“C’mon, Tony!” called Natasha. “You wanted to be first!”

“If we’re all in this little school pageant, then who’s running the camera?” Tony called from the next room.

“I am!” called a voice. 

Tony sighed heavily. “It’s the little web-shooting nerdlet, isn’t it?”

Natasha looked at Peter. “I think he’s old enough to be a nerd, and not a nerdlet anymore. Isn’t a nerdlet a baby nerd?”

Peter cleared his throat. “I’m a nerd.”

“Think you’re man enough to handle a load of really ugly sweaters?” asked Natasha. 

“Bring it,” said Peter. 

Tony was indeed first – convinced his sweater was the worst. And it was pretty bad. Electric green and red yarn infused with sparkles formed the backdrop for dancing snowmen and reindeer shoving dollar bills into the thong of a pole-dancing Santa.

“I don’t think I’m old enough to be seeing this...” said Peter. 

Following Tony was Clint in his Grandma’s hand-crafted sweater. He was showing it off when Thor walked up behind Peter, clad in a disappointingly normal sweater and jeans.

“You’re not playing?” asked Peter. 

“Father says if I embarrass him one more time he’s putting me in time out,” said Thor.

“What happened last time?” asked Peter.

“Let’s just say it involved my brother Loki, a group of frost giants, and my mother’s wedding gown.”

“How come I never get invited to parties like that?”

“Just keep recording,” said Thor.

Natasha was next, wearing a sweater with a brick fireplace background, and a reindeer head mounted above the fireplace, complete with antlers, protruding from her chest. The eyes were little Xs, the tongue lolled, and the nose was a blinking red bulb.

“That’s really ugly,” said Peter.

“Aw, you’re so sweet.”

Sam was next, modelling a green sweater that somehow managed to be a fully decorated tree with a toy train around the base, and ornaments that jingled when he walked. Wanda’s was nearly as horrible; it showed Santa and one of his elves against a snowy backdrop. Santa was poking the elf with one finger, and carefully stitched onto it were the words “WHEN I THINK OF YOU I TOUCH MY ELF.”

Vision wandered out reluctantly, wearing a brown sweater featuring a unicorn pooping out tree ornaments, tinsel, and candy canes.

“I feel very silly,” he remarked.

“That’s good because you look silly,” said Sam.

“Is that good?”

“In this case, yes,” said Clint. “Oh! Good grief, my eyes!”

Bucky was next, wearing a truly terrible sweater someone had clearly spent a great deal of time on. It looked like the chest of a very old and fat man, with tassels on the nipples and stitched-on “tattoos” of cookies, snowflakes, teddy bears, rocking horses, and candy canes, complete with a “necklace” of coloured lights. Wanda nodded approvingly.

“That just might do it,” she said.

“Bucky I still hate you so this is very hard for me to say,” said Sam, “But I firmly believe that is the single most hideous sweater ever.”

“Why thank you, Sam, you say the nicest things.”

“Only one more person left,” said Clint. “And that would be...”

“Oh dear Lord, I think we have a winner,” said Tony.

Steve walked out, grinning broadly. His sweater was red, with white snowflakes, and Hermann Göring in a thong bikini and high heels was forced to dance for the amusement of soldiers on a table full of Christmas cookies. In the background elves drank with reindeer while roasting Adolph Hitler over an open fire. Random pompoms of tree garland poked out here and there from the sweater, and the border around the base of the sweater depicted soldiers in holiday colours chasing little Nazis. Under the collar, Joseph Goebbels dangled by his boots with mistletoe in his hair, looking very unhappy as beneath him an American GI and a woman in a nurse’s uniform kissed. Red candles in festive gold holders adorned the shoulders, poking up like spines, and above it all was a jolly Santa holding a sign reading “Merry Christmas Adolph!”

“Ugly sweaters are not a new concept,” said Steve.

“Where in the world did you get that?!” asked Sam. “It’s vintage, isn’t it?”

“100% World War Two era,” said Steve proudly. 

“That has to be home made,” said Bucky.

“And not by someone with a huge amount of talent,” said Natasha.

“Or taste,” said Clint.

“This nurse was really sweet on me, after I became...well... stronger. She made it for me. Even made the pattern herself. After I went missing, Peggy packed up a box of my stuff and kept it for me.”

“Probably as punishment for taking gifts from other women,” said Bucky.

Steve just grinned. Peter shut off the recorder. “Okay, just let me get this edited and posted, and we’ll see who the winner is.”

“Did we ever decide on prizes?” asked Wanda.

“Top prize is two dozen ugly Christmas cookies,” said Natasha. “Made by a bakery that specializes in theme cookies, cupcakes and cakes, presented by the bakery owner.”

“Nice!” said Clint. “Well what are we waiting for? Peter get that video uploaded!”

Peter nodded and went off to get the video into shape for posting, while Wanda plugged in the lights for the Christmas tree, and Sam brought out the eggnogg. 

Six hours later, Clint was accepting two dozen ugly Christmas cookies.


End file.
